Gene Simmons – 1978
Oh, you’ve GOT to be kidding me.
At first you think everything’s gonna be okay. It’s NOT as bad as you’ve heard. There’s some theatricality to the proceedings but, yeah, Destroyer got you all prepared for that.
And the first track, Radioactive, isn’t really all that bad.
And then….
Let’s let Gene say it for himself with the lyrics on “See You Tonight”:
I’ll see you get it tonight
And if I can’t I’ll cry, and cry
You won’t see me without it
And I’ll see you tonite, outside.
You’ll what, Gene? You’ll cry? But, you’re the God of Thunder! You’re the one whose Larger Than Life! What the fuck is this beta male shit? NO ONE wants a tender, whiny Gene Simmons. NOBODY.
It’s a weird disconnect, you know? Because you see this demonic figure on the cover of the album, blood dripping from his lip and you expect songs from the pits of hell. Not a warbling whiner. And that’s what you get. It kind of sucks. Well, not kinda.
Have you ever heard Arnold Schwarzeneggar sing while choking on a peach pit? No? Well, listen to Gene’s rendition of “When You Wish Upon a Star” (Yes, THAT one) and that’s what it sounds like.
It’s horrendous.
With all the a-list talent Gene hired you can’t help but wonder what the hell went wrong. And then you hear something like Mr. Make Believe or Man of 1000 Faces (A song I don’t despise) and you realize that Gene really really loves The Beatles. He could never BE the Beatles because that would require songwriting and singing ability and Gene is PT Barnum in makeup.
I’m not sure the record is as bad as I am making it out to be. It’s close but it’s not the worst thing ever committed to vinyl. But whatever is good there (and believe me you have to search for it) is mitigated by the sheer audacity of the proceedings. The greed, the gluttony, the crassness that is Gene Simmons.
Forget burning Disco Records on baseball fields, we should round up all of these and blow them up. All but one. The one that you force Gene to listen to while you fuck his wife and make his children eat haggis.
What? Too much?
Grade F+
A Side: Radioactive
Blindside: Man of 1000 Faces
Downside: When You Wish Upon a Star…and everything else.
